worldisyours | IC Inbox

[The apology is unexpected, but not unwelcome. Though the switch to network conversation had been more for his comfort, she finds herself soothed a little by it, too.]

it's okay!
i know all of this is a lot
it's really rough for most of us at first, even w/o dealing with strangers acting like they know you lol
tbh i'd be more worried if you were feeling at 100% by day 2...

[sorry our first irl meeting had to be like that for you, she types then, only to delete it and send instead:]

you talked with the rest of the house yet?

yeah i can imagine
its messed up here... idk if i can deal

[Being completely honest, Rindo is convinced he can't deal. But that feels… rude to express outright when Swallow and everyone else he's met so far has been so invested in helping him adjust.]

anyway i met joshua, nanami, beat and neku
is that all of them?

[He really hopes that it is. Four strangers is already far more than he's comfortable with, but if it's the price to pay to live alongside Swallow in Ryslig, he'll take it. It's much better than staying at the Lighthouse or getting an apartment on his own. There's no way he'd ever be able to handle this place by himself.]

yep, you've got em all! lol
they might've seemed a little rough around the edges, but you can trust them
they've always looked out for me for as long as i've been here
i know they'll look out for you too
in a place like this, the best we can do is have each other's backs, you know?

like fango monsters? lol
good to know tho
its just weird bc i dont know them, but joshua knows me apparently. and he also knows my friend
the one u told me to talk to
his name is fret btw

[Where we're going, Internet safety rules no longer matter!]

so howd u meet them? whats ur relationship? it sounds like youre pretty close

exactly like fango monsters! XD
oh yeah...you know how i could recognize you but you didn't recognize me?
josh is like that too
we both knew you before
sorry :( i know all of that is beyond weird

[It's the same case with Beat and Neku too, of course, but... baby steps.

Or... so she hopes, right before he asks that question. The full truth is way too much to explain, so she tries to keep it simple.]

we're friends obvi lol
feels more like family now though...
you go through enough bs together, you wind up being p close ig
we all came here from shibuya, so we met even before ryslig
all of us except chiaki. i met her here
but she and i have been dating for a while now so...yeah. we're close lol

[Rindo reads the messages one by one as they come in, and at first all he feels is the same frustration he's been dealing with since his arrival, nagging at him. He's talking to Swallow, just like back home. That should be a good thing… but it feels wrong.

It's everything, really. Swallow being a monster, and all the implications that come with that fact. Her somehow knowing him. Her knowing the rest of the household—being close friends with them…

It's that last message that hits Rindo the hardest, tipping his emotions into uglier territory. He… hadn't known Swallow liked girls (which is fine, he doesn't mind that, he just… hadn't expected it, he guesses). But really, if the past day's been any indication, he hadn't known much of anything about her. Maybe he wasn't that special to Swallow. Then her dating Nanami, combined with what Nanami had told him yesterday—"We play together sometimes"… After a year in Ryslig, Swallow must have moved on from their friendship entirely.

There's parts of him that protest against that conclusion—he recalls Swallow's moment of sincerity, when she'd convinced him of who she was; and he's well aware that he's being petty, that Swallow had no choice in being sent here either, that she must have made the best of what she had. But their voice is weak, oh so close to being snuffed out… Not quite there yet, though. He sits on those feelings, adding them to the pile. Grimaces, as he realizes his go-to method for dealing with his problems cannot be used in this situation.

…Surely he can manage this one thing on his own. Steering the topic away from Nanami seems like a wise choice.]

oh i see
ig you were friends back in shibuya too then?
did the 2 of us meet there or smt?

[…He hadn't thought that lying to Swallow, even by omission, would be this upsetting. That said, he is still genuinely curious about the circumstances of his and Swallow's supposed meeting back home. He wants to understand just why she reacted the way she did at the sight of him.]

[Belatedly, she wonders again if it was the right move to send that message so casually. Then again, why wouldn't she? It's only a matter of time before Rindo figures it out himself. Still, she can't help wondering if his reply is more avoidant than understanding.]

yeah, we did
it was a little while before you figured out who i was
but that's where we met irl for the first time

wait
how come u knew who i was if i didnt recognize u?
and why didnt u tell me who u were?
i dont get it...

[This… isn't helping Rindo feel better, at all. Was Swallow disappointed to see what he was like in person, or something?]

i don't blame you lol
it's a lot to explain...

[There's the matter of the Reaper's Game: how she'd seen him long before he got dragged into it without him having even the possibility of seeing her, invisible in the UG—how, when he was made a Player, they became enemies, and he became better off not knowing who she was. But then, even after she was stripped of her Reaper wings and brought onto his side, she still hadn't been able to tell him (that is, not in her timeline). Sensing his insecurity, she figures she owes him a little bit of an explanation for this part at least.]

but you've seen how i am irl now
not the whole monster thing ofc, but the rest of it
ig i didn't want you to treat me differently
or think any of it was fake
i just wanted you to get to know me

[All of me, she thinks but refrains from typing, not just part.]

[That, at least, lifts Rindo's mood somewhat. Looks like she shared the same worry.

It's true that Swallow was a bit… abrasive, in person. If she acted the same when they met back home as she did when they met in Ryslig, then he can't imagine he would have liked her, not without the context of her identity. However, right now, he can tell: the Swallow he knows is right there under that thorny exterior.

He trusts in that, but… He's curious.]

i get that tbh...
so howd it go
did we end up getting along?

yeah, we did!
eventually XD
you think i would've reacted the way i did to finding you if we weren't friends?

guess not

[It was a test, of sorts. Just a way to ask his "future" self how to feel. How often do you have that kind of opportunity? At least it looks like, on the topic of Swallow, his and the other Rindo's views align.

He sighs. This is just… messed up. Maybe he didn't disappoint Swallow back in her timeline when she met him in person, but here and now is another matter entirely. Of course she's disappointed that he's not the Rindo she's come to appreciate. He knows that—he'll never forget how heartbroken she looked when she realized he didn't recognize her.

Conflicting feelings arise—bitter shame at failing her, defiant anger at not even being given a chance to do anything but.

He shouldn't be here. He can't even be himself right, and it's not a high bar to clear.]

[Was that the wrong thing to say? It seems like it, judging by the terseness of that reply, though she's not sure what else she could have said to such a direct question.

Maybe, "what does it matter"?]

i may have already told you who i am, but what i said before is still true
i want you to get to know me
and i want to get to know you too
if that's ok

[…What is there for Swallow to get to know about? She's just… humoring him.

…It's a kindness, isn't it? From her, he'd expect nothing less—but it's warped and twisted by the circumstances into something that hurts instead. How can he ever measure up against this unknown self? In what world does he not fall end up falling short of her expectations? He already has.

The alternative—her giving up on him, because he's not the Rindo she wanted to see—is far more painful, though. If she holds out her hand, then he'll take it, lined with thorns as it may be.]

thats ok
i just hope u wont regret it

well, good! and thanks
i'm just happy that i get to talk to you again, rindragon
there's nothing you can do to make me regret that

[But maybe she will regret admitting that much—that even just a small, selfish part of her would be glad that he's here, trapped in the hellish monster freakshow with her, devoid of any memories that might better prepare him for that.]

right back at you though
i hope i'm not a complete letdown lol

[Really? Rindo doubts that. Maybe she means what she says right now, but eventually she'll realize the gap between who he is and who she'd hoped he was is simply too wide to bridge. And then, he'll be truly alone.

But… he's still touched by her words. He wants to believe in them so badly. And to be frank, believing may be the only way he'll keep himself going in this hell.

In light of that, the rest of her messages makes him feel almost indignant.]

u could never be
not when ur giving me a chance

[How can a gesture mean so much and yet feel like poison at the same time…?]

[It's all too obvious that he's beating himself up. When she messaged him, her hope had been to make him feel at least a little better about things. Feel supported, at the very least, and less alone. But it seems like she's only made things worse for him.

Then again, it's only his second day. It would probably be unfair to expect any show of comfort from him this soon.

The first reply that comes to mind is a dumb one... But it'll be familiar to him, at least.]

don't miss your chance to make a friend ;)

[…She remembered his favorite quote. Even though she's not a fan of An0ther herself, even though she's been here for so long… That… means a lot, actually. Enough for him to get choked up, it seems.

About two minutes pass before the next messages appear.]

ur right...

sorry im not the rindo u knew
cant promise ill measure up
but i want to be friends even if its selfish...

IC Inbox

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<rindragon> cw: implied suicidal ideation

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, RINDO KANADE. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 4.28.13.9 * rindragon** has joined 4.28.13.9